me and U-sister 24 February 2013
|
From me to U-sister 15 December 2014
My situation has improved since mid-November when I had hit a very bad low. I am getting better.
Every night I dream of being with you and not being able to talk to you and not being able to be in touch.
I keep wondering - what is it that is about human behaviour that makes it impossible for people close to each other to absolutely avoid contacting one another? What can be so evil that one can decide to completely cut off someone else?
the future will be quite interesting, I feel.
Love you. Wish you, V&V a very happy new year and a fulfilling 2015.
From me to U-sister, 22 November 2014
Today I wanted very desperately to be able to talk to you and chat with you. I hope I am alive to be able to talk to you later.
Today I am depressed extremely and am uncertain as to how the night will progress.
I hope I am able to survive this night and be able to communicate and talk to you later.
Sometime, someday.
I do not know how this will play out and how I will be able to survive.
From me to U-sister, 10 September 2014
My dear U,
It has been a long long time since you have been in touch. There is absolutely no contact with you. Can you at least stay in touch with this facility? I hope you have not forgotten the p. How can I inform the p to you?
I tried to get in touch with C to speak to D. But he did not seem to understand about what I wanted. I do not have D's phone number otherwise I would have tried to talk to him.
Sometimes, at least once in a week, I wake up in a panic, like a near heart attack, thinking about you. I fear that I will never meet you again or never be able to speak to you again or get in touch with you again.
There will always be situations in everyone's lives that will overtake everything and upturn everything. But one cannot get away from memories and thoughts. Similarly, I cannot get away from thinking about you every day and every night and every moment. For me, even T and P are not as important as you are to me.
At least stay in touch in some small way. Think of something.
Today I got in touch with Seshadri, who was a classmate of mine in school, after 40 years. JS (also on Facebook) who is also a classmate of mine from , gave me his phone number and I spoke to Seshadri. He recognised me as "SB's son and S's elder brother!" I was so happy. Extremely happy. I started crying in office.
For my entire life, nobody has ever recognised me as "S's elder brother"... and my own classmate who should recognise me directly, did not do so, but recognised me as your brother. Imagine how much I cried.
What is that crime that I committed, that is so irretrievable, so wrong, so illegal, so non-correctable, so non-penanciable that cannot bring back a brother and sister? Imagine a situation that may come about similarly with your son and daughter? Imagine how much your son would cry or be torn about not being able to talk to your daughter, his twin sister? What would be the torture at that time?
I live through that torture, every day and every night.
Let us see where it will all go to, and how it will all end.
I love you, always.
From me to U-sister 22 May 2014 2:02 am
22 May 2014
P's birthday came and went by peacefully. She is now 22 years old. 1 year older than T when she got married. At that age, when you got married. So, life goes on.
Do keep in touch. I saw a nice video and you may enjoy it. http://www.robinsharma.com/academy/rsss/the-6-quiet-rituals-of-enormously-successful-humans
Love, always.
14 May 2014
I notice that you are not coming to this email id regularly. Whatever be the reason.
I have now been elected "WM" for the Poona Temple for F in Pune. I have also been nominated to in Mumbai during this year. This is an exciting journey for me since 2000. You can look up about F on Google. Swami Vivekananda, Motilal Nehru, Dadabhoy Naoroji and Mansur Ali Khan Pataudi were F in India. There are many other illustrious names. Similarly, in the US, George Washington and ALL the presidents of the US have been Freemasons.
I hope you are also able to read the material that I keep putting out at the blog about our family. Its at
I have written a beautiful story about birds and I have placed it on a blog at - you may enjoy it.
Daddy's birthday will be on 14 June. P's birthday - 22nd - is on May. Thatha and Bi's birthday will be on 9 July. These are all coming up.
Take care. Regards. I love you. Always.
29 April 2014 - 0109 am
you can check in to me, and on my thoughts and my situation at a blog that I have begun anew. This will have memories of daddy and mummy and our lives. You can read up at the page. One such post is at
The blog page is at
The blog also has links to all my other blogs.
Take care. How are you doing? Are you ok? You have become very silent. Regards. I love you. Always.
From me to U-sister 13 December 2013 11:42 am
Through mid-2012 and through 2013, I had been suffering from panic attacks at night. It is usually when I have just gone to sleep, and in my dreams, Daddy, Mummy, H, Thatha or yourself, come in and start talking with me. And I suddenly realise that I would not be meeting anyone of you again, I feel that I am totally alone in this world. Without anyone to talk to or chat with. T, P, Chind or Ash are of no use in this regard. I am frightened of the years that are to come, and the many nights that I would be dreaming in this manner and of the many many panic attacks that may come.
I have gone through with treatment and my homeopathic doctor had treated me properly. Over the past two months, I was not getting panic attacks and I was sleeping properly. But, suddenly, yesternight, ie 12.12.2013, I got a brief panic attack. I was dreaming in my sleep, and I was talking with you, when you were in college after Home Science I think. In a single flash, I was awake, and I was worried, that I would not be able to meet you again, and not be able to talk to you or speak to you on the phone.
It is such a sad thing. Technology has changed so much and improved such a lot. Cellphone call costs have dropped so tremendously. And we are not able to be in touch.
I hope we can develop some method to be safely in touch with one another. Do think about it.
Regards. I love you. Wish you a very happy new year for 2014 and a great year with safe and good health, well being in your heart, mind and soul.
From me to U-sister 2 November 2013, 18:43
Wish you a very happy birthday. Also wish V&V, a very happy birthday.
I went to the Sant Dnyaneshwar temple at Alandi, Pune today, where we had consecrated Daddy's ashes to the Indrayani River, and worshipped at the temple - and prayed for your good health and long life. Had good darshan at the temple.
I am sure Daddy and Mummy would have joined me in conveying their blessings to you, that must have come faster to you, without the help of the internet.
Wish you all the best, once again.
From me to U-sister - 28 October 2013, 11:30 am
28 October 2013
I notice that you had read the other emails and have deleted them.
Wish you a very happy birthday in advance, and a happy birthday to V and V also.
Regards. B
---------------------------------------
please stay away from the past memories. It only hurts. I am sure neither mummy nor daddy would like this. I never heard them speak of their past with melancholy. Try your best to live in the present. Keep doing activities.
So what if you do not have kolu at your place, go the houses that have. At least that way you get to enjoy the festival.
Thank you for the advance wishes.
Happy Deepavali to you too.
From me to U-sister 6 August 2013 12:54
6.8.2013
My lousy days continue. There is no improvement to P's health over the past 4 years and the depressing situations with P's mother continues.
Yesterday, night, I was feeling very depressed and needed to talk to someone, especially you, but it does not seem possible. I was thinking of committing suicide, and it seemed like a good and sensible option.
Keep this unlisted number of mine - 94. Its an unlisted number that I have not given to anyone. You will have to probably dial +91-94.
You can give me a missed call from any number that you are at, and I can call you back. Or, you can call on this number directly and talk to me.
Let me know your phone number for emergency purposes, if you think it appropriate. I will not use it until and unless its absolutely absolutely necessary.
Regards. B
From me to U-sister 2 November 2011, 1554
Since it is your birthday, I thought I would give you a present that you cannot get from anyone, something that you cannot get by yourself, and something that you cannot purchase from anywhere. Something that only I can give you, and something that you have to take... HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
This is your original birth certificate from Chennai-Egmore. It may be useful to you. Regards. Have a great birthday. My next one is my 50th. With Shiva's blessings, it will be at Mount Kailash.
Now, the tale can be told
Now, the tale can be told.
This was some 10-12 years ago. I had expressed my problems to my uncle, my father's younger brother. I had explained them in detail to him. I had told him that I was very disturbed, getting angry frequently and being very combative at home and office. I did not know as to why I had told him all this, as we rarely ever met. We had never shared any confidences. We certainly had never even exchanged banter about everyday events in our lives.
I had spoken about it earlier and discussed with my father, and he had given me very sensible advise. But, only very logical stuff. Since I got angry, rather regularly, my father advised me very simply that I should not get angry. Since I was very irritable and fought with everyone, my father advised me very calmly but accurately, that I should not fight with others.
Naturally, not knowing how to go about doing so, made me more irritable and more eager to fight at the easiest of tremors or 'disobedience' as I saw it. My mind would stitch together elaborate plans of vengeance on others. All my dreams would be about taking on a fight with others. In the day time, I would remember each dream vividly, and as though I had lived them actually.
I was getting very worried. My most sincere confidants and friends were my colleagues at my workplace. They placed a kind mirror on my behavior and I knew that I had to be grateful to them. I would discuss my problems very sincerely with my uncle and therefore I spoke to him about it.
My father listened very dispassionately tot the disturbing confessions that I was making to my uncle. I think that my father was quite happy to allow his younger brother, my uncle, to try and sort out my strange problems. I explained in brief about my panic attacks, my erratic behavior and my very rapid progression from arguments to fights to aggressive combats with relatives and friends.
This was some 10-12 years ago. I had expressed my problems to my uncle, my father's younger brother. I had explained them in detail to him. I had told him that I was very disturbed, getting angry frequently and being very combative at home and office. I did not know as to why I had told him all this, as we rarely ever met. We had never shared any confidences. We certainly had never even exchanged banter about everyday events in our lives.
I had spoken about it earlier and discussed with my father, and he had given me very sensible advise. But, only very logical stuff. Since I got angry, rather regularly, my father advised me very simply that I should not get angry. Since I was very irritable and fought with everyone, my father advised me very calmly but accurately, that I should not fight with others.
Naturally, not knowing how to go about doing so, made me more irritable and more eager to fight at the easiest of tremors or 'disobedience' as I saw it. My mind would stitch together elaborate plans of vengeance on others. All my dreams would be about taking on a fight with others. In the day time, I would remember each dream vividly, and as though I had lived them actually.
I was getting very worried. My most sincere confidants and friends were my colleagues at my workplace. They placed a kind mirror on my behavior and I knew that I had to be grateful to them. I would discuss my problems very sincerely with my uncle and therefore I spoke to him about it.
My father listened very dispassionately tot the disturbing confessions that I was making to my uncle. I think that my father was quite happy to allow his younger brother, my uncle, to try and sort out my strange problems. I explained in brief about my panic attacks, my erratic behavior and my very rapid progression from arguments to fights to aggressive combats with relatives and friends.
Blessed with the opportunity to serve once again - 16 July 2014 @ Vayu Lingam, Girivalam, Tiruvannamalai
You are full of imagination. The problems are in your mind. You assume them to be the truth and you want them to be true.
P is on the road to recovery. Do not allow any situation to develop into a relapse. Do not create problems at home. Do not create tantrums at home. Stay cool. Be peaceful.
Remember, as you have mentioned earlier, and repeatedly to others, you are a bhikshu. You are nobody. You have no identity. You have no life of your own.
For having failed twice, you are blessed with the opportunity serve Devi once again. P is the very presence of Devi in your house. Do not allow her to cry once again for it would upset the balance of events, actions and time.
P has not grown old. Time stopped for her for five years. There was no illness or sickness or disease. P is a very good healthy, sane and gentle child.
Do not fight in the house. Do not get angry in the house. Do not raise your voice in the house. Do not get upset. Your life has a different purpose. Do not burn yourself with anger. Use your fire through your pen and writing.
P's mother is trapped in this life. It is her burden. You cannot do anything about it. Accept it with love. You are given an opportunity to be of service to Devi in P by accepting her mother with her issues, problems and behaviour.
She is trapped in her ego, lies, criminal intent, behaviour and actions. What is criminal? What is criminal to you would not be criminal to her. She thinks and accepts her actions as truthful, necessary and essential actions. So, if every soul is a manifestation of the divine, her actions, thoughts and perceptions are not to be angry at. She has not harmed anyone nor stolen from anyone.
P is a noble soul and a manifestation of Devi. She is protective to her mother as she should be. Thus, her mother is protective to her own mother, as she should be. This is the truth of the situation. Accept them as they are.
P is on the road to recovery. Do not allow any situation to develop into a relapse. Do not create problems at home. Do not create tantrums at home. Stay cool. Be peaceful.
Remember, as you have mentioned earlier, and repeatedly to others, you are a bhikshu. You are nobody. You have no identity. You have no life of your own.
For having failed twice, you are blessed with the opportunity serve Devi once again. P is the very presence of Devi in your house. Do not allow her to cry once again for it would upset the balance of events, actions and time.
P has not grown old. Time stopped for her for five years. There was no illness or sickness or disease. P is a very good healthy, sane and gentle child.
Do not fight in the house. Do not get angry in the house. Do not raise your voice in the house. Do not get upset. Your life has a different purpose. Do not burn yourself with anger. Use your fire through your pen and writing.
P's mother is trapped in this life. It is her burden. You cannot do anything about it. Accept it with love. You are given an opportunity to be of service to Devi in P by accepting her mother with her issues, problems and behaviour.
She is trapped in her ego, lies, criminal intent, behaviour and actions. What is criminal? What is criminal to you would not be criminal to her. She thinks and accepts her actions as truthful, necessary and essential actions. So, if every soul is a manifestation of the divine, her actions, thoughts and perceptions are not to be angry at. She has not harmed anyone nor stolen from anyone.
P is a noble soul and a manifestation of Devi. She is protective to her mother as she should be. Thus, her mother is protective to her own mother, as she should be. This is the truth of the situation. Accept them as they are.
Exploring my anger - 13.7.2014
I had a bad outbreak of anger within myself. I did not get so much as angry with my daughter and her mother, but seemed to be unable to control myself. This was in relation to the mess about the lunch today at the house, that I have written about in the other blog post.
I kept thinking to myself, "careful. be careful. you are getting angry. you are about to burst out into anger. Do not get angry. Be careful." and, I could hear myself say this to myself, very clearly and outrightly. I listened to myself. I just said some crisp statements in a moderate voice, criticising the food and the selection and its cold nature and came back to my room. I did not voice any anger.
The mother and daughter were back in their room, quiet, with the door closed as usual. Silent and without any movement. I kept cleaning up my room, and did some back breaking work. Suddenly, the daughter came in, with a bowl of ready-made noodles, just plain noodles, hot. She seemed to have made it herself to pacify me. I was saddened that she had the good sense to feel remorse and to undertake a cooking activity in order to give me some hot food.
Her mother was nowhere to be seen. She seemed to be inside the closed room, without any reactions. I was more upset, for my daughter to make some pacifying food, like giving alms to a beggar, by making his measly bowl of noodles, when there was quite a bit of easy to cook and ready food that was much much more better. There was pasta and pasta, vegetables, mushrooms, sauces and more stuff like that, which she usually cooked, past midnight, when she would be hungry. And yet, when it was just post-noon, and she thought that I would be pacified, she had to go and take the easy way out. I was very upset by the action.
I spoke angrily and the answer that I got from the mother was that "I am reheating some cooked food for myself." I asked her, "Why not eat the food that you have given to me and your daughter?" She did not reply. Kept stonily frosty.
Later, when my daughter brought the noodles, I got badly irritated. I should not have got angry, but I did. I could not control myself. I hit myself, strongly, with the palm of my hand to my forehead, 8-10 times, with a lot of pain. And later, in an impulse, I fisted the door with my knuckles of the right hand. I should remember that my bone density is not that good and I should not have done so. But I did. It was painful.
Later, in an impulse, I told my daughter that she should be careful of her mother, for it was common knowledge that her mother had committed 3-4 illegal criminal actions that would be harmful to me. My daughter refused to believe me, stubbornly. So, I asked, "What if I show you proof? Documentary proof that I have about your mother's criminal activities, and what if I also show you proof, documentary proof from your mother's own document collections?" She kept quiet, and alternately, kept saying that there is no such criminal action on part of her mother. Later, unable to control herself, she burst into tears and started crying.
Unlike in the past, I did not feel any remorse, and that was surprising. I did not feel pity, and did not feel sorry for my daughter's tears. I almost felt that they were inspired tears, and she was putting on an act. So, I asked her bluntly, "why are you crying? Why do you not want to see the proof? Are you crying because I have proof? Do not bluff me with your tears." Within a minute or so, she stopped crying and went back to hide in their room, with the shut door.
I am puzzled and exasperated by my inability to control my anger and despair. It is obvious that my most vigorous bout of anger comes when I am hungry, or the food is not palatable and is not tasty or is recycled, cold and unpleasant. I get an instinct to want to correct the situation. But would not any normal man or woman get angry at such a situation?
The problem comes from the fact that these situations are thrown at me, and my daughter's mother just walks away into her room, and distances herself away from it. I get angry at that moment.
I kept thinking to myself, "careful. be careful. you are getting angry. you are about to burst out into anger. Do not get angry. Be careful." and, I could hear myself say this to myself, very clearly and outrightly. I listened to myself. I just said some crisp statements in a moderate voice, criticising the food and the selection and its cold nature and came back to my room. I did not voice any anger.
The mother and daughter were back in their room, quiet, with the door closed as usual. Silent and without any movement. I kept cleaning up my room, and did some back breaking work. Suddenly, the daughter came in, with a bowl of ready-made noodles, just plain noodles, hot. She seemed to have made it herself to pacify me. I was saddened that she had the good sense to feel remorse and to undertake a cooking activity in order to give me some hot food.
Her mother was nowhere to be seen. She seemed to be inside the closed room, without any reactions. I was more upset, for my daughter to make some pacifying food, like giving alms to a beggar, by making his measly bowl of noodles, when there was quite a bit of easy to cook and ready food that was much much more better. There was pasta and pasta, vegetables, mushrooms, sauces and more stuff like that, which she usually cooked, past midnight, when she would be hungry. And yet, when it was just post-noon, and she thought that I would be pacified, she had to go and take the easy way out. I was very upset by the action.
I spoke angrily and the answer that I got from the mother was that "I am reheating some cooked food for myself." I asked her, "Why not eat the food that you have given to me and your daughter?" She did not reply. Kept stonily frosty.
Later, when my daughter brought the noodles, I got badly irritated. I should not have got angry, but I did. I could not control myself. I hit myself, strongly, with the palm of my hand to my forehead, 8-10 times, with a lot of pain. And later, in an impulse, I fisted the door with my knuckles of the right hand. I should remember that my bone density is not that good and I should not have done so. But I did. It was painful.
Later, in an impulse, I told my daughter that she should be careful of her mother, for it was common knowledge that her mother had committed 3-4 illegal criminal actions that would be harmful to me. My daughter refused to believe me, stubbornly. So, I asked, "What if I show you proof? Documentary proof that I have about your mother's criminal activities, and what if I also show you proof, documentary proof from your mother's own document collections?" She kept quiet, and alternately, kept saying that there is no such criminal action on part of her mother. Later, unable to control herself, she burst into tears and started crying.
Unlike in the past, I did not feel any remorse, and that was surprising. I did not feel pity, and did not feel sorry for my daughter's tears. I almost felt that they were inspired tears, and she was putting on an act. So, I asked her bluntly, "why are you crying? Why do you not want to see the proof? Are you crying because I have proof? Do not bluff me with your tears." Within a minute or so, she stopped crying and went back to hide in their room, with the shut door.
I am puzzled and exasperated by my inability to control my anger and despair. It is obvious that my most vigorous bout of anger comes when I am hungry, or the food is not palatable and is not tasty or is recycled, cold and unpleasant. I get an instinct to want to correct the situation. But would not any normal man or woman get angry at such a situation?
The problem comes from the fact that these situations are thrown at me, and my daughter's mother just walks away into her room, and distances herself away from it. I get angry at that moment.
Anger, temper and arguments at bad lunch on a sunday - 13.7.2014
Today, I got angry once again, after a long time, practically after 16 January 2013 in fact. I had promised my daughter that I would not get angry or have a fight in the house and I had struggled to avoid one since then. But, today, all the pent up anger and despair came out in a big outburst. There were some plus points however.
1. I did not raise my voice.
2. I did not set up a continuing explosive fight with my daughter's mother.
3. I did not smash anything up and neither did I indulge in any indecent behaviour.
It started in a vague sort of events coming together, as they always do. You do not know that it is going to coaelsce but slowly it gains weight, mass and momentum.
Yesterday, around evening, on a holiday post-noon, the mother and daughter went off to sleep for a 'quick nap' of sorts. It went past five, and slowly past seven, and near my dinner time, at about 7.30 pm, and there was no sign or movement of either of them. I went to the kitchen to see if there was any leftover lunch or breakfast that I could eat, and there was none. The kitchen was terribly dirty and extremely miserable looking. It was stinking. There was all sorts of grit, waste material and rotting items on the floor. The garbage bin seemed to be the only clean spot in the kitchen.
I tried to check the refrigerator, and it was worse than the kitchen. Miserable. Stinking and permeating of rotting food smells. Even the uncut and fresh vegetables seemed to be infected and were rotting. At two spots, when I lifted some vessel's lid, the stink from the gravy within was obnoxious and suffocating. I thought I would take off the vessel from the refrigerator and throw it in the sink, but the sink was full and overfull of vessels already. And stinking vessels. Even then, I persisted, but the vessel would not move in the refrigerator. It was stuck with the gravy left over from an earlier vessel.
Luckily, I had earlier asked the auto-rickshaw guy who helps me infrequently to get me vada pav, samosa, pakodas and potato wafers. This stuff was on the table, and I kept eating them, one by one, slowly, much against my will, for all that was deep fried stuff. I do not eat potato wafers by preference, because of the heavy salt content in them. But, now, I had no options. I would have to do so, I thought. By the time it was 10 pm, and later, I thought, it's ok... let them sleep. Perhaps they were too tired and fatigue had overcome them. So I did not wake them up even for their dinner.
I worked late, until 2.30 am hoping that someone would wake up, and may be hungry enough to make something in spite of the dirty kitchen. But it was without any hope, for they slept well. I crashed to sleep, very disturbed. I had taken a Metpure 12.5 XL at 11.55 pm and later at 2.00 am took a Restyl 0.50 tablet. Sleep was good, and I woke up without any disturbance at 10.30 am, walked around the house, saw that the mother and daughter were awake, and felt slightly irritated by their callousness, for there was no breakfast available. So, went back to sleep, thinking that if I would wake up near enough to lunch, I would not need to get angry about breakfast.
I woke up at 12.00 noon, and started cleaning up my room. My daughter made me a cup of coffee upon my request, but it was too sloppy, watery and very weak and too sugary. That buggered me further. I kept doing my work, and there was no sign of lunch. Finally at 2.30 pm, at least 30 hours since I had anything substantial to eat, I asked my daughter to get me something to eat for lunch. Her mother was having a bath at 2.30 pm, of all the timings.
My daughter put together some stuff, and brought it along. It was very terrible, and I also feel terrible in labeling it as such. The beans fry was extremely salty, and inedible. The lapsi upma-like stuff was icy cold, brittle and totally tasteless. Could not eat it. The single chapati that I had asked, was also icy cold, soggy, watery and felt like a watered up napkin. The rice was cold, and it was accompanied by a gravy that my daughter said had been lifted from a prawn curry that they had made for themselves. I do not eat non-veg items, and only indulge in some gravy if there is no option.
The gravy was just red-coloured water, without any taste, no spice and absolutely icy cold. I mixed it up with the rice and ate it in despair, hoping to stay a bikshu, and eat the food without any complaint. After eating it, suddenly something snapped. My anger burst out. I could not help myself.
I returned the beans and the lapsi and the chapati. I was able to control my anger until that moment. I completed eating the plain rice and the watery red coloured water-like gravy, quietly, without complaint and went to place the plate at the sink. At that moment, I noticed my daughter also eating the same plain rice and the same watery gravy. My irritation grew. And then, I noticed that her mother came in to the kitchen, picked out some vessels from the refrigerator and started cooking something for herself. I asked her, and she said that she was reheating and making some pot-luck style food, recyling them and heating them up. That got my goat, totally. Then why were we being given tasteless and absurd food, when we could have had recycled food, but recooked in a better way, that she was actually doing?
1. I did not raise my voice.
2. I did not set up a continuing explosive fight with my daughter's mother.
3. I did not smash anything up and neither did I indulge in any indecent behaviour.
It started in a vague sort of events coming together, as they always do. You do not know that it is going to coaelsce but slowly it gains weight, mass and momentum.
Yesterday, around evening, on a holiday post-noon, the mother and daughter went off to sleep for a 'quick nap' of sorts. It went past five, and slowly past seven, and near my dinner time, at about 7.30 pm, and there was no sign or movement of either of them. I went to the kitchen to see if there was any leftover lunch or breakfast that I could eat, and there was none. The kitchen was terribly dirty and extremely miserable looking. It was stinking. There was all sorts of grit, waste material and rotting items on the floor. The garbage bin seemed to be the only clean spot in the kitchen.
I tried to check the refrigerator, and it was worse than the kitchen. Miserable. Stinking and permeating of rotting food smells. Even the uncut and fresh vegetables seemed to be infected and were rotting. At two spots, when I lifted some vessel's lid, the stink from the gravy within was obnoxious and suffocating. I thought I would take off the vessel from the refrigerator and throw it in the sink, but the sink was full and overfull of vessels already. And stinking vessels. Even then, I persisted, but the vessel would not move in the refrigerator. It was stuck with the gravy left over from an earlier vessel.
Luckily, I had earlier asked the auto-rickshaw guy who helps me infrequently to get me vada pav, samosa, pakodas and potato wafers. This stuff was on the table, and I kept eating them, one by one, slowly, much against my will, for all that was deep fried stuff. I do not eat potato wafers by preference, because of the heavy salt content in them. But, now, I had no options. I would have to do so, I thought. By the time it was 10 pm, and later, I thought, it's ok... let them sleep. Perhaps they were too tired and fatigue had overcome them. So I did not wake them up even for their dinner.
I worked late, until 2.30 am hoping that someone would wake up, and may be hungry enough to make something in spite of the dirty kitchen. But it was without any hope, for they slept well. I crashed to sleep, very disturbed. I had taken a Metpure 12.5 XL at 11.55 pm and later at 2.00 am took a Restyl 0.50 tablet. Sleep was good, and I woke up without any disturbance at 10.30 am, walked around the house, saw that the mother and daughter were awake, and felt slightly irritated by their callousness, for there was no breakfast available. So, went back to sleep, thinking that if I would wake up near enough to lunch, I would not need to get angry about breakfast.
I woke up at 12.00 noon, and started cleaning up my room. My daughter made me a cup of coffee upon my request, but it was too sloppy, watery and very weak and too sugary. That buggered me further. I kept doing my work, and there was no sign of lunch. Finally at 2.30 pm, at least 30 hours since I had anything substantial to eat, I asked my daughter to get me something to eat for lunch. Her mother was having a bath at 2.30 pm, of all the timings.
My daughter put together some stuff, and brought it along. It was very terrible, and I also feel terrible in labeling it as such. The beans fry was extremely salty, and inedible. The lapsi upma-like stuff was icy cold, brittle and totally tasteless. Could not eat it. The single chapati that I had asked, was also icy cold, soggy, watery and felt like a watered up napkin. The rice was cold, and it was accompanied by a gravy that my daughter said had been lifted from a prawn curry that they had made for themselves. I do not eat non-veg items, and only indulge in some gravy if there is no option.
The gravy was just red-coloured water, without any taste, no spice and absolutely icy cold. I mixed it up with the rice and ate it in despair, hoping to stay a bikshu, and eat the food without any complaint. After eating it, suddenly something snapped. My anger burst out. I could not help myself.
I returned the beans and the lapsi and the chapati. I was able to control my anger until that moment. I completed eating the plain rice and the watery red coloured water-like gravy, quietly, without complaint and went to place the plate at the sink. At that moment, I noticed my daughter also eating the same plain rice and the same watery gravy. My irritation grew. And then, I noticed that her mother came in to the kitchen, picked out some vessels from the refrigerator and started cooking something for herself. I asked her, and she said that she was reheating and making some pot-luck style food, recyling them and heating them up. That got my goat, totally. Then why were we being given tasteless and absurd food, when we could have had recycled food, but recooked in a better way, that she was actually doing?
Some thoughts... April 2013
Anger and impulse
Anger, impulse, reaction and arguments are seemingly part of our lives. In Vipassana, it is taught that introspection of the mind is like a deep surgical operation. One has to face it, and one has to be able to confront one's problems. It is like a housewife preparing food, and the dinner is not liked by anyone. The nature of food is not to blame. The act of cooking food is not to blame. Reaction and impact are led by people's emotions. It happens differently each time that one does anything. Every moment is different. One has to be able to understand from within oneself, without imagination. Just be clear. That, one gets angry on impulse. It usually happens when one is denied something. Observe the truth. Observe it in reality. Without any craving or need.
Anger seems to be garbage accumulated within the mind. There is extreme impurity within the mind and within the body. Discomfort seems to be equal to having been denied something. One requires strong determination. One needs to be definitely focused upon understanding oneself.
One cannot go away from one's mind. One cannot get away from one's body. One lives with one's family and friends and colleagues. One has to ask each time = "Am I prepared to stay with my family? Am I prepared to stay with my friends? Am I prepared to stay with my colleagues?"
Anger is equal to the feeling that one seems to want to run away from one's own mind and body. I have to decide to take out the impurities within my mind and my body. One cannot stand away from oneself and observe one's defects. One should have a strong determination to abide by what one observes about onself. One should be early to observe oneself. It does not work.
Sometimes there is severe anger impulse. I get upset and frustrated. Sometimes it is in obvious reaction, sometimes, it is in silent observation. It can be due to many aspects. Before anyone begins to think that my recording these points must make me seem like a total case of depression, let me correct the perspective. I have a compulsive obsession to keep writing. I have to get things off my mind. I clean up my mind in this manner. In comparison, there are all those others who do not say what they have within them, and they do not discuss it and they do not write about it. It does not mean that they are not depressed, or not under some sort of a syndrome etc.
Chaos is a mystery. It happens within the mind and it happens within our work area and in our areas of cohabitation with others. Chaos is also caused in the aspect of 'nothing'. One does not do one's work properly. It results in chaos, and though nobody notices it, the result 'nothing' leads to bottlenecks in one's work and systems.
One can observe others being frustrated and in chaos. This can also lead to frustration and worrisome perspectives. Behaviour is not merely a collection of emotions. Sometimes it is, or, usually it is, a physical reaction. One wants to do something. Desperately. Maybe others can see it on our faces. There are these two - internal and external response to situations. Different hormones seem to work differently. The immediate reaction to fight is the release of cortisol and the increase, rapidly of adrenaline.
Both adrenaline and cortisol have an impact on our logic systems, reasoning and the process of thinking. When they are at acceptable levels, they do not have any negative impact. Cortisol is helpful in our mental functions.
Contemplation
It requires strong determination to establish a time-table or schedule for oneself. Whenever one goes and meets others and coordinates a time-table, it seems to work. Later, it works to destroy itself. It is like a warning. One needs to take rest, and one needs to establish a procedure.
One may feel that one is smart and one does not need to take rest. One may flood oneself with thoughts that seem to be logical. It is not so. There are conflicts and situations that lead to depression by creating anger.
So, does anger lead to depression? Does depression lead to anger? Do thoughts about anger lead to depression? Does time help curing anger? Time, the passage of days, the passage of weeks, even a single day, seems to allow us to forget the events that caused anger. One seems to be able to forgive those who caused anger.
A warning to oneself. Complete silence within the mind is almost impossible to achieve. There is no simple technique to creating silence. Similarly, there is no simple technique to prevent reactions. Some ground rules seem to apply, therefore...
1. Do not raise your voice. Any situation, any impulse, any denial, any cause - do not raise your voice to the other person. Do not create a loud discussion.
What if the other person has raised their voice? What if the other person is shouting at you? What if the other person is scolding you?
Do not react. Establish complete silence. Do not break this cornerstone. Do not mix it up with compulsive silence in not answering at all. Do not assume anything. "Complete silence" is about not raising your voice.
One cannot assume to be in both the methods. That is, be silent, and respond in a lower voice. Answering in a low voice, not answering in a loud voice are not two sides of a single coin. It may be a past habit. Stop it. There is no visualisation of planning such reactions.
It has to be intentional. Deeply churned from within. Do not take any movement when one is inside an argument. Keep within a certain zone. Keep a steady voice. Do not act in an impulse.
Anger, impulse, reaction and arguments are seemingly part of our lives. In Vipassana, it is taught that introspection of the mind is like a deep surgical operation. One has to face it, and one has to be able to confront one's problems. It is like a housewife preparing food, and the dinner is not liked by anyone. The nature of food is not to blame. The act of cooking food is not to blame. Reaction and impact are led by people's emotions. It happens differently each time that one does anything. Every moment is different. One has to be able to understand from within oneself, without imagination. Just be clear. That, one gets angry on impulse. It usually happens when one is denied something. Observe the truth. Observe it in reality. Without any craving or need.
Anger seems to be garbage accumulated within the mind. There is extreme impurity within the mind and within the body. Discomfort seems to be equal to having been denied something. One requires strong determination. One needs to be definitely focused upon understanding oneself.
One cannot go away from one's mind. One cannot get away from one's body. One lives with one's family and friends and colleagues. One has to ask each time = "Am I prepared to stay with my family? Am I prepared to stay with my friends? Am I prepared to stay with my colleagues?"
Anger is equal to the feeling that one seems to want to run away from one's own mind and body. I have to decide to take out the impurities within my mind and my body. One cannot stand away from oneself and observe one's defects. One should have a strong determination to abide by what one observes about onself. One should be early to observe oneself. It does not work.
Sometimes there is severe anger impulse. I get upset and frustrated. Sometimes it is in obvious reaction, sometimes, it is in silent observation. It can be due to many aspects. Before anyone begins to think that my recording these points must make me seem like a total case of depression, let me correct the perspective. I have a compulsive obsession to keep writing. I have to get things off my mind. I clean up my mind in this manner. In comparison, there are all those others who do not say what they have within them, and they do not discuss it and they do not write about it. It does not mean that they are not depressed, or not under some sort of a syndrome etc.
Chaos is a mystery. It happens within the mind and it happens within our work area and in our areas of cohabitation with others. Chaos is also caused in the aspect of 'nothing'. One does not do one's work properly. It results in chaos, and though nobody notices it, the result 'nothing' leads to bottlenecks in one's work and systems.
One can observe others being frustrated and in chaos. This can also lead to frustration and worrisome perspectives. Behaviour is not merely a collection of emotions. Sometimes it is, or, usually it is, a physical reaction. One wants to do something. Desperately. Maybe others can see it on our faces. There are these two - internal and external response to situations. Different hormones seem to work differently. The immediate reaction to fight is the release of cortisol and the increase, rapidly of adrenaline.
Both adrenaline and cortisol have an impact on our logic systems, reasoning and the process of thinking. When they are at acceptable levels, they do not have any negative impact. Cortisol is helpful in our mental functions.
Contemplation
It requires strong determination to establish a time-table or schedule for oneself. Whenever one goes and meets others and coordinates a time-table, it seems to work. Later, it works to destroy itself. It is like a warning. One needs to take rest, and one needs to establish a procedure.
One may feel that one is smart and one does not need to take rest. One may flood oneself with thoughts that seem to be logical. It is not so. There are conflicts and situations that lead to depression by creating anger.
So, does anger lead to depression? Does depression lead to anger? Do thoughts about anger lead to depression? Does time help curing anger? Time, the passage of days, the passage of weeks, even a single day, seems to allow us to forget the events that caused anger. One seems to be able to forgive those who caused anger.
A warning to oneself. Complete silence within the mind is almost impossible to achieve. There is no simple technique to creating silence. Similarly, there is no simple technique to prevent reactions. Some ground rules seem to apply, therefore...
1. Do not raise your voice. Any situation, any impulse, any denial, any cause - do not raise your voice to the other person. Do not create a loud discussion.
What if the other person has raised their voice? What if the other person is shouting at you? What if the other person is scolding you?
Do not react. Establish complete silence. Do not break this cornerstone. Do not mix it up with compulsive silence in not answering at all. Do not assume anything. "Complete silence" is about not raising your voice.
One cannot assume to be in both the methods. That is, be silent, and respond in a lower voice. Answering in a low voice, not answering in a loud voice are not two sides of a single coin. It may be a past habit. Stop it. There is no visualisation of planning such reactions.
It has to be intentional. Deeply churned from within. Do not take any movement when one is inside an argument. Keep within a certain zone. Keep a steady voice. Do not act in an impulse.
Reference notes for me for medical consultation with Dr. I - Feb 2013
I am now affected by the situation as described in a post about 'reference notes for P for medical consultation with Dr. I'. Every night, I stay awake, unable to sleep until 03.00 am and wake up at 09.00 am and rush to the office by 10.00 am.
I get frightened to sleep since July-August 2012. At least 2-3 times earlier, I had panic attacks. Once at Yamunotri, in a closed room wearing 4-6 sets of clothes, blankets and sleeping bags, when the lights went off, I panicked at 01.30 am. I kept praying and walking about in the cold, and in the forest. I heard movement and sounds of animals, including perhaps a leopard, but it seemed safer to be outside than going back in the room. I found some candles and LED torches at 05.00 am and lit them, and I was able to go to sleep.
In August 2012, I was planning to go on an expedition / pilgrimage to Mount Kailash, and I was packing at night for about a week. On 20.8.2012, I woke up from sleep at 02.30 am in deep panic. The details of the panic attack on 20.8.2012 are explained in a separate post.
Points explained to Dr. I on 26.2.2013
I get frightened to sleep since July-August 2012. At least 2-3 times earlier, I had panic attacks. Once at Yamunotri, in a closed room wearing 4-6 sets of clothes, blankets and sleeping bags, when the lights went off, I panicked at 01.30 am. I kept praying and walking about in the cold, and in the forest. I heard movement and sounds of animals, including perhaps a leopard, but it seemed safer to be outside than going back in the room. I found some candles and LED torches at 05.00 am and lit them, and I was able to go to sleep.
In August 2012, I was planning to go on an expedition / pilgrimage to Mount Kailash, and I was packing at night for about a week. On 20.8.2012, I woke up from sleep at 02.30 am in deep panic. The details of the panic attack on 20.8.2012 are explained in a separate post.
Points explained to Dr. I on 26.2.2013
- Panic attack at night. Fear and panic. Restlessness.
- Rapid fluctuation in blood pressure
- Changes from 160-110 to 140-95 to 130-90 and back to 160-110 - on the night of the panic attack
- Was prescribed Restyl for whenever I would panic or be restless or unable to sleep
- Vitamin B 12 and Vitamin D 3 are extremely low
- Took D36000 tablets - oil-based - for 8 weeks - since November-December 2012. Stopped after 8 weeks of dosage - 1 tablet each saturday.
- Homeopathic consultation is ongoing. Fear and restlessness seems to have subsided.
- Sleeplessness until 03.00 am. Routine of being unable to sleep. Getting up suddenly from bed.
- Want to dress up and go outside.
- Sudden flashes of suicidal intent.
- Chanting helps in pacifying the mind.
Reference notes for P for medical consultation with Dr.I
25-2-2013 V 1.0 [For Dr.I]
- We (ie me, my daughter and her mother) had met with Dr. I in August 2009 on reference from Mr. SB for my daughter's health concern. We consulted with Dr. I twice in August 2009.
- My daughter had been suffering since July 2008 with pain in the neck that seemed like neck constriction and pain in the head that moved about during 12.30 midnight to 06.00 am.
- During July 2008 to August 2009, my daughter had incidents of blood from eyes, blood from throat and blood from ears or nose. At least on 3 occasions, she had bleeding from nose, eyes, ear and throat.
- When my daughter consulted with Dr. I in August 2008, she had been going to meet Dr. H, Homeopath at 11.00 pm, a timing that she found convenient.
- Dr. I had prescribed Indocap 75 SR and Topaz for a period of 20 days, and she had had no trouble during that period.
- On 19th day, we met Dr. I again, and he had reduced the strength for Indocap from 75 to 50. At that very moment, my daughter seemed to have resisted. She asked Dr. I at that point, about why was he reducing the dose.
- On the very same night, mother and daughter discussed the treatment and stopped taking the medicine. The problem started once again from the very same night.
- I asked them several times to go over and meet Dr. I and have the courage to argue with Dr. I, instead of justifying /arguing /trying to convince with me, about stopping the treatment, but they did not seem to have the intention.
- Since then, ie, since August 2009, mother and daughter have gone regularly to Dr. H-Homeo, on a weekly basis, and there has been improvement on various aspects.
- During this period, 2009 to 2012, the routine has been - My daughter gets the problem at 12.30 midnight, and cannot sleep until 06.00 am. After 06.00 am, she is ok, and she falls asleep until 08.00 pm.
- I have tried to intervene without success. There have been tremendous fights at home in this regard about treatment.
- My daughter is now 20 years old, and is yet to clear her higher secondary school exams, and stays deep inside the house, in a darkened and closed room, that is terribly dirty and extremely unsanitary. Both mother and daughter seem to have trapped themselves in a secluded world.
Panic attack - August 2012
Diary Notes of 20-8-2012
20-8-2012, 03:12 am [Sys: 150, Dias: 103, Pulse: 74 at 03:00 am]
What should I do? I am alone in the room. Woke up suddenly from sleep. There is electricity and I am able to see everything. But, I have a feeling of panic. A sense of deep fear. I do not want to go on the journey to Mount Kailash. I do not mind the loss of money for it will only be that. Loss of money.
I can sense deep - mild throat burn, almost like acidity. I wanted to urinate but could not urinate. I am fearful that I will be alone in the journey. I will have no one to talk to. What if something happens to me? My fear is not about something happening to others, such as my daughter. I seem to be frightened of something happening to me.
Is this like a test? O Shiva? Are you showing me that I am very minuscule? That, I am not fit to come to Kailasha?
All this is the play of the mind. I have to defeat sleeplessness. I have to talk to Doctors and other experts and I have to recognise my medical problem of sleeplessness. I have to start working on taking care of my health. All the rest is a myth. Everything seems to be a burden. All tasks and responsibilities seem to be a burden. I seem to be having a steep rising feeling of panic.
20-8-2012, 03:30 am [Sys: 136, Dias: 98, Pulse: 70 at 03.30 am]
The moment I think about not going on the journey, and getting into a web of excuses, reasons and lies and half-truths, the mind seems to relax. I had a look at all the medicines that I have and I found that I do not know which medicine to take when I have such an attack. I do not have knowledge about dosage etc. I do not know the expiry date of the sorbitrate tablets.
Can Shiva help me in taking a decision? Maybe this situation was a blessing? Maybe it was supposed to let me know of my health problems. Maybe it is meant to tell me to be cautious, be careful and go for a remedy to emerge stronger? I do not know. My body had become extremely cold. Almost ice cold. I had a numbness in my left wrist for some brief moments. I am writing at this moment, purposely, without escaping into the TV, Computer or the Internet, purposefully. I want to depend entirely on myself in trying to be stronger in escaping from this situation.
Almost like a message from Shiva, at exactly 03:40 am, just now, I got an SMS, from AD Nepali, that seemed almost like telepathy, saying - "Jay Ho Prabhu, I am waiting for you." He is awake at this moment in Kathmandu. What if I go up to Nepal, visit Kathmandu and return? I would still have begun the journey and woud have returned. I do not know. All instinctive feelings are telling me not to go. Do not go on this journey. What should I do?
20-8-2012 03:52 am
Everything seems like a burden. It seems futile. I have to examine myself by knowing exactly how I am thinking. I should remember how others are suffering and fighting with their problems. I should concentrate on being able to write effectively. I should learn to practice and determinedly face my problems. I should face the terrors in my mind.
I have to learn to defeat the demons in my mind. Buddha has spoken of the demons that would come to conquer the mind. I should be ready for the next time. I should plan well in advance. I should know how to face the problem. I should know how to make sure that this problem will not come back again. What can go wrong? I should know. What to do if something goes wrong? I should know and I should be ready.
So many people will be watching me. They want me to inspire them. I should not fail them. I should be a leader by example. I should not run away from the prospects of such a situation. Is it something that I can face and defeat by myself? Should I discuss the problem with my daughter and her mother? What is the end result? How can I escape the situation? How can I conquer the situation? Is there only the internet, cable TV and the computer to be the only remedies?
I have to train the mind well in advance. Maybe extended japa, meditation during the day can be useful in tiring the mind. Remember: I did not have this problem while I was at the Vipassana course in 2005 in Chennai.
20-8-2012 04:06 am [Syst: 133, Dias: 93, Pulse: 69 - 04:05 am]
There is much better calmness in the mind now. I was reading a small book of Saibaba by Tatvadarsi Sri Ramananda Maharishi, and seem to become more peaceful within the mind. Maybe I should take some selective books that can be an excellent diversion. Maybe I should practice by writing on this pad with only the forehead torchlight.
I would have two powerful men with me during the journey. I would have a medical doctor and friend (KS) and the very strong tour guide and friend (NJ) with me. Finally, at the end of the journey, I would look back at the expedition, if successful, and be happy that I was able to win against myself. What if I am not able to do the parikrama? I would be with the others at Lake Manasarovar? Would that be so bad? It would not be a defeat.
Remember that I was alone on the journey to Kedarnath. The driver, Dhingri, was not with me in the hotel room at night. Also, at Kedarnath, in the room, I was alone. There was no one in the room. It was cold, very cold, freezing. All clothes were damp, wet and soggy. I had covered myself with a quilt. How could I have been so very careless? I did not have anything with me.
Yet, on the journey, Shiva protected me. He took care of me. He came personally on the journey and protected me. Should I think of that as my own very imagination? Did I imagine all the innuendo and did I build up my own story in my own mind? What if I do have a heart attack in the wilderness? What would be the problem if I die?
20-8-2012 04:22 am
When does my mind relax? Today I woke up suddenly at 02:45 am and was feeling very perturbed. I could sense my blood pressure was racing. So did I wake up because my blood pressure was running high? So did the rise in blood pressure come first? Why was my blood pressure high? what went wrong at this stage of the journey? I will take the decision to dump the plans later.
Let me examine what went wrong within myself. Between 02:45 am and 03:00 am, it was terrible. I tried walking around, and tried to calm down. The feeling of acidity struck me only at 03:00 am. But, the intervening period of 02:45 am to 03:05 am was very bad. It was extremely dangerous. It was almost suicidal. It may seem to be like an attack deep within the brain or the mind. There was no sense of sleep. I was fully awake. It was not like struggled wakefulness. There was no sleep at all.
I remember 2-3 events, as equally worse. One was the first night at O:Japan, in the snow, in the cold, all alone in the hostel room. It was wretched. There was light in the room, the TV was on. I could not do anything. My cellphone was working. The A/C unit was working. But the feeling was entirely that of panic. I tried sleeping 2-3 times, but it did not work. On waking up, it seemed all fine and ok. I got up in a normal way and got ready in a normal manner.
It was a relief that YK was with me during that trip. He was like a God to me on that trip. Because of him, I could change the room and stay at the CInn, though we stayed in different rooms, next to each other. The comfort was great due to him.
20-8-2012
Time - Sys - Dias - Pulse
03.00 am - 150-103-74
04:35 am - 131-92-68
05:10 am - 124-87-67 (RH), 132-91-68 (LH) 132-93-68 (RH)
05.30 am - 123-87-68 (RH)
05.40 am - 123-88-66 (LH)
05.43 am - 127-90-66
06.00 am - 131-91-64 (RH), 122-89-65 (LH), 130-93-64 (RH)
07.00 am - 129-90-63
07.30 am - 122-90-63
20-8-2012, 05:50 am
Feeling of hunger. What should I eat? Is Coffee a good way out? Will a cup of hot black coffee help the mind relax? Any cold drink? Cola? Any coke would be ok? Will it not create heart burn? Need to take Alerid-D and Azithromycin with me on the trip. Need strong antibiotics. What was the name of the anti-histamine that gave me good sleep? Also should get Vicks lozenges and Vicks something - very strong.
The mind is relaxed now. I had gone to sleep at 05:45 am but woke up in 5 minutes without any trace of sleep. I was fully awake when I woke up for the second time. This is the first time that I have woken up for the 2nd time during a panic attack. I am reminded of Yamunotri. Felt sleepy just now while sitting and writing this page. The handwriting has changed. I am feeling tired and sleepy. What was it that made me sleepless at 02:30 am, I wonder.
07:45 am - So, is there a hidden message in this situation?
09:00 am - 145-97-71
10:00 am - Metpure 12.5 + Prayers
10:30 am - 128-88-77
06:35 pm - 131-90-75
10:00 pm - ATEN 25 - 1 tablet
11:00 pm - 142-91-74 - Packing luggage and moving about
11:30 pm - 1 glass warm masala milk
20-8-2012, 03:12 am [Sys: 150, Dias: 103, Pulse: 74 at 03:00 am]
What should I do? I am alone in the room. Woke up suddenly from sleep. There is electricity and I am able to see everything. But, I have a feeling of panic. A sense of deep fear. I do not want to go on the journey to Mount Kailash. I do not mind the loss of money for it will only be that. Loss of money.
I can sense deep - mild throat burn, almost like acidity. I wanted to urinate but could not urinate. I am fearful that I will be alone in the journey. I will have no one to talk to. What if something happens to me? My fear is not about something happening to others, such as my daughter. I seem to be frightened of something happening to me.
Is this like a test? O Shiva? Are you showing me that I am very minuscule? That, I am not fit to come to Kailasha?
All this is the play of the mind. I have to defeat sleeplessness. I have to talk to Doctors and other experts and I have to recognise my medical problem of sleeplessness. I have to start working on taking care of my health. All the rest is a myth. Everything seems to be a burden. All tasks and responsibilities seem to be a burden. I seem to be having a steep rising feeling of panic.
20-8-2012, 03:30 am [Sys: 136, Dias: 98, Pulse: 70 at 03.30 am]
The moment I think about not going on the journey, and getting into a web of excuses, reasons and lies and half-truths, the mind seems to relax. I had a look at all the medicines that I have and I found that I do not know which medicine to take when I have such an attack. I do not have knowledge about dosage etc. I do not know the expiry date of the sorbitrate tablets.
Can Shiva help me in taking a decision? Maybe this situation was a blessing? Maybe it was supposed to let me know of my health problems. Maybe it is meant to tell me to be cautious, be careful and go for a remedy to emerge stronger? I do not know. My body had become extremely cold. Almost ice cold. I had a numbness in my left wrist for some brief moments. I am writing at this moment, purposely, without escaping into the TV, Computer or the Internet, purposefully. I want to depend entirely on myself in trying to be stronger in escaping from this situation.
Almost like a message from Shiva, at exactly 03:40 am, just now, I got an SMS, from AD Nepali, that seemed almost like telepathy, saying - "Jay Ho Prabhu, I am waiting for you." He is awake at this moment in Kathmandu. What if I go up to Nepal, visit Kathmandu and return? I would still have begun the journey and woud have returned. I do not know. All instinctive feelings are telling me not to go. Do not go on this journey. What should I do?
20-8-2012 03:52 am
Everything seems like a burden. It seems futile. I have to examine myself by knowing exactly how I am thinking. I should remember how others are suffering and fighting with their problems. I should concentrate on being able to write effectively. I should learn to practice and determinedly face my problems. I should face the terrors in my mind.
I have to learn to defeat the demons in my mind. Buddha has spoken of the demons that would come to conquer the mind. I should be ready for the next time. I should plan well in advance. I should know how to face the problem. I should know how to make sure that this problem will not come back again. What can go wrong? I should know. What to do if something goes wrong? I should know and I should be ready.
So many people will be watching me. They want me to inspire them. I should not fail them. I should be a leader by example. I should not run away from the prospects of such a situation. Is it something that I can face and defeat by myself? Should I discuss the problem with my daughter and her mother? What is the end result? How can I escape the situation? How can I conquer the situation? Is there only the internet, cable TV and the computer to be the only remedies?
I have to train the mind well in advance. Maybe extended japa, meditation during the day can be useful in tiring the mind. Remember: I did not have this problem while I was at the Vipassana course in 2005 in Chennai.
20-8-2012 04:06 am [Syst: 133, Dias: 93, Pulse: 69 - 04:05 am]
There is much better calmness in the mind now. I was reading a small book of Saibaba by Tatvadarsi Sri Ramananda Maharishi, and seem to become more peaceful within the mind. Maybe I should take some selective books that can be an excellent diversion. Maybe I should practice by writing on this pad with only the forehead torchlight.
I would have two powerful men with me during the journey. I would have a medical doctor and friend (KS) and the very strong tour guide and friend (NJ) with me. Finally, at the end of the journey, I would look back at the expedition, if successful, and be happy that I was able to win against myself. What if I am not able to do the parikrama? I would be with the others at Lake Manasarovar? Would that be so bad? It would not be a defeat.
Remember that I was alone on the journey to Kedarnath. The driver, Dhingri, was not with me in the hotel room at night. Also, at Kedarnath, in the room, I was alone. There was no one in the room. It was cold, very cold, freezing. All clothes were damp, wet and soggy. I had covered myself with a quilt. How could I have been so very careless? I did not have anything with me.
Yet, on the journey, Shiva protected me. He took care of me. He came personally on the journey and protected me. Should I think of that as my own very imagination? Did I imagine all the innuendo and did I build up my own story in my own mind? What if I do have a heart attack in the wilderness? What would be the problem if I die?
20-8-2012 04:22 am
When does my mind relax? Today I woke up suddenly at 02:45 am and was feeling very perturbed. I could sense my blood pressure was racing. So did I wake up because my blood pressure was running high? So did the rise in blood pressure come first? Why was my blood pressure high? what went wrong at this stage of the journey? I will take the decision to dump the plans later.
Let me examine what went wrong within myself. Between 02:45 am and 03:00 am, it was terrible. I tried walking around, and tried to calm down. The feeling of acidity struck me only at 03:00 am. But, the intervening period of 02:45 am to 03:05 am was very bad. It was extremely dangerous. It was almost suicidal. It may seem to be like an attack deep within the brain or the mind. There was no sense of sleep. I was fully awake. It was not like struggled wakefulness. There was no sleep at all.
I remember 2-3 events, as equally worse. One was the first night at O:Japan, in the snow, in the cold, all alone in the hostel room. It was wretched. There was light in the room, the TV was on. I could not do anything. My cellphone was working. The A/C unit was working. But the feeling was entirely that of panic. I tried sleeping 2-3 times, but it did not work. On waking up, it seemed all fine and ok. I got up in a normal way and got ready in a normal manner.
It was a relief that YK was with me during that trip. He was like a God to me on that trip. Because of him, I could change the room and stay at the CInn, though we stayed in different rooms, next to each other. The comfort was great due to him.
20-8-2012
Time - Sys - Dias - Pulse
03.00 am - 150-103-74
04:35 am - 131-92-68
05:10 am - 124-87-67 (RH), 132-91-68 (LH) 132-93-68 (RH)
05.30 am - 123-87-68 (RH)
05.40 am - 123-88-66 (LH)
05.43 am - 127-90-66
06.00 am - 131-91-64 (RH), 122-89-65 (LH), 130-93-64 (RH)
07.00 am - 129-90-63
07.30 am - 122-90-63
20-8-2012, 05:50 am
Feeling of hunger. What should I eat? Is Coffee a good way out? Will a cup of hot black coffee help the mind relax? Any cold drink? Cola? Any coke would be ok? Will it not create heart burn? Need to take Alerid-D and Azithromycin with me on the trip. Need strong antibiotics. What was the name of the anti-histamine that gave me good sleep? Also should get Vicks lozenges and Vicks something - very strong.
The mind is relaxed now. I had gone to sleep at 05:45 am but woke up in 5 minutes without any trace of sleep. I was fully awake when I woke up for the second time. This is the first time that I have woken up for the 2nd time during a panic attack. I am reminded of Yamunotri. Felt sleepy just now while sitting and writing this page. The handwriting has changed. I am feeling tired and sleepy. What was it that made me sleepless at 02:30 am, I wonder.
07:45 am - So, is there a hidden message in this situation?
09:00 am - 145-97-71
10:00 am - Metpure 12.5 + Prayers
10:30 am - 128-88-77
06:35 pm - 131-90-75
10:00 pm - ATEN 25 - 1 tablet
11:00 pm - 142-91-74 - Packing luggage and moving about
11:30 pm - 1 glass warm masala milk
Daughter's health and inaction - from 'Notes' - 30 April 2012
Am I guilty of not taking enough care of my daughter? These questions haunt me each time that I see my daughter suffer each night. Every night, she is deteriorating and I am unable to help her. Both mother and daughter are caught in this very vicious trap and they seem to be unable to get out of the trap. How do I get my daughter out of this miserable situation? I will have to develop a strategy or I should keep quiet and I should not interfere. Is that correct? My daughter, 20+ years old, does not seem to know what she is doing and she does not know what she is suffering from, exactly, and she does not know why she is suffering.
Her mother knows the exact, the very exact reason why my daughter is suffering, and she knows that my daughter does not know the real truth. So, she is taking a very unfair advantage of my daughter's illness to destroy her so very completely. So, what should I do?
There seems to be a core situation in all this, but when I begin to approach or discover the core, I seem to be discovering a lot of very dirty and purposeful malicious and malefide actions by my wife. I begin to fear, and then I fear if I am just hesitant. Am I becoming paranoid, or am I being schizophrenic? Most of the actions by my wife cannot be excused and cannot be forgiven and cannot be forgiven. But, should I do so? Should I forget, forgive and excuse and look forward to the days ahead?
What can I tell my daughter after some years? How can I tell her how her mother has destroyed her life, destroyed her mind, destroyed her health and destroyed her future? Comparisons will be made and I will be at blame for my anger and my bad behaviour during these past years.
But, there is one simple and one very significant difference. I am impatient and not satisfied with her health and her treatment, and I want her to get cured soon. Her evil mother and her demon grandmother do not seem impatient and seem totally satisfied at the state of events now and seem happy.
Her mother knows the exact, the very exact reason why my daughter is suffering, and she knows that my daughter does not know the real truth. So, she is taking a very unfair advantage of my daughter's illness to destroy her so very completely. So, what should I do?
There seems to be a core situation in all this, but when I begin to approach or discover the core, I seem to be discovering a lot of very dirty and purposeful malicious and malefide actions by my wife. I begin to fear, and then I fear if I am just hesitant. Am I becoming paranoid, or am I being schizophrenic? Most of the actions by my wife cannot be excused and cannot be forgiven and cannot be forgiven. But, should I do so? Should I forget, forgive and excuse and look forward to the days ahead?
What can I tell my daughter after some years? How can I tell her how her mother has destroyed her life, destroyed her mind, destroyed her health and destroyed her future? Comparisons will be made and I will be at blame for my anger and my bad behaviour during these past years.
But, there is one simple and one very significant difference. I am impatient and not satisfied with her health and her treatment, and I want her to get cured soon. Her evil mother and her demon grandmother do not seem impatient and seem totally satisfied at the state of events now and seem happy.
Ideas and pathways - From 'Notes' - 29 April 2012
29.4.2012 - This is the second diary. Almost as a miracle, I managed to complete a diary - cover to cover - for the first time in my life. It must be a sign of (a) getting older, (b) getting sensible, or (c) developing a compulsive writing disorder. One of my students has already certified that I do have a compulsive writing disorder, but that included all other forms of writing, including blogging and writing on the net.
It is very difficult to keep writing nowadays. The handwriting has become bad because of excessive typing on the computer. The mind seems to focus only on SMS-type of communication and the earlier discipline of studying, reading and writing has gone.
It is very difficult to concentrate on any one task for a longer period of time in a sustained manner. The mind jumps rapidly and takes on different ideas and pathways very rapidly. Perhaps it is the impact of the internet and perhaps, it is the way we are nowadays.
Should we improve this behaviour? I do not know. Something tells me that this is the way we would be in the future.
It was one of the most fascinating moments in my life to witness the birth of a group of my associates (KSSA). It was indeed amazing. Friends who have stayed with me, over these many years, and have never failed me in all the interactions. All of them came together and expressed their solidarity. They began their talk with the words, "My friend...." and it was so very touching. I should set up my own way of sending handwritten letters of thanks to all of them. Some of them, I met for the first time, and yet I know that I am going to meet them again and again for many times. They are all going to be part of my life now.
As usual, in all my new ventures, certain friends came through, senior, colleague or on honorarium, they came through, when I needed them the most. Some are indeed lucky for me, and they helped me get through the downwind after all the excitement got over.
I needed to ride the crest of the wave again, and for that I have to take my own surfboard, create my own sea and ocean, and create the waves and surf and ride them out, and each time, to return and create stronger and more tougher waves. Affection, friendship and bonding are amazing feelings for human beings. It does not certainly seem to be limited to relatives and relationships.
It is very difficult to keep writing nowadays. The handwriting has become bad because of excessive typing on the computer. The mind seems to focus only on SMS-type of communication and the earlier discipline of studying, reading and writing has gone.
It is very difficult to concentrate on any one task for a longer period of time in a sustained manner. The mind jumps rapidly and takes on different ideas and pathways very rapidly. Perhaps it is the impact of the internet and perhaps, it is the way we are nowadays.
Should we improve this behaviour? I do not know. Something tells me that this is the way we would be in the future.
It was one of the most fascinating moments in my life to witness the birth of a group of my associates (KSSA). It was indeed amazing. Friends who have stayed with me, over these many years, and have never failed me in all the interactions. All of them came together and expressed their solidarity. They began their talk with the words, "My friend...." and it was so very touching. I should set up my own way of sending handwritten letters of thanks to all of them. Some of them, I met for the first time, and yet I know that I am going to meet them again and again for many times. They are all going to be part of my life now.
As usual, in all my new ventures, certain friends came through, senior, colleague or on honorarium, they came through, when I needed them the most. Some are indeed lucky for me, and they helped me get through the downwind after all the excitement got over.
I needed to ride the crest of the wave again, and for that I have to take my own surfboard, create my own sea and ocean, and create the waves and surf and ride them out, and each time, to return and create stronger and more tougher waves. Affection, friendship and bonding are amazing feelings for human beings. It does not certainly seem to be limited to relatives and relationships.
What are the answers if I should not get angry? - 10 July 2009
I do not know as to where I have kept the red diary. My suspicions are that my daughter's mother, the bitch, has picked it up from somewhere to read or has hidden it away. Of course, the more logical explanation could be that I have kept it elsewhere. I must have kept it safely somewhere. But, where? I was writing in the red diary only a few days ago. My life seems to have become a total screw-up, really totally. I have to control my reactions. I am all messed up in the manner of my reactions. I have to sort them out.
Do I need any medicines or help from a psychiatrist? Do people not get angry at all? If there is a problem, people will get angry. Of course, they will. If there is an attack, one has to defend. That is for sure. One will defend oneself in an attack. All uncontrolled reactions are like that only. If there are words that have been said, then one has to reply. Will even a sage, or a fakir, or a yogi or a Buddhist monk stay silent if there are words, harsh words, bad words and words of wrongful and hateful language said to one person, and thus one should stay silent?
One is bound to react. One is bound to reply. Can that reply be measured and be simply said thus and thus without any anger? My guess is that it would require a lo of self control to avoid reacting or replying in a good tenor and with respect to those, who in my minds, do not deserve any respect. What should be the way out, then? Speak your mind out and then, apologize? Is that correct to do so? Can one always insult another person and then continue to apologize? How does this reaction occur in such a senseless manner? Is it because of persistent prodding and /or disturbance of the mind?
Violence is certainly not the answer. Bad speech is not the answer. Hateful words are not the answer. Use of hands and the tongue are a strict no-no. So what is the answer? Zero-anger and zero-hateful speech and zero reactions - are these the answers? Well, I shall try them out. I will do this also for my daughter. Nothing else remains for me to do. There are no further goals or objectives in life now except to retire and go away silently, far away from my life and far away from this bitch.
Do I need any medicines or help from a psychiatrist? Do people not get angry at all? If there is a problem, people will get angry. Of course, they will. If there is an attack, one has to defend. That is for sure. One will defend oneself in an attack. All uncontrolled reactions are like that only. If there are words that have been said, then one has to reply. Will even a sage, or a fakir, or a yogi or a Buddhist monk stay silent if there are words, harsh words, bad words and words of wrongful and hateful language said to one person, and thus one should stay silent?
One is bound to react. One is bound to reply. Can that reply be measured and be simply said thus and thus without any anger? My guess is that it would require a lo of self control to avoid reacting or replying in a good tenor and with respect to those, who in my minds, do not deserve any respect. What should be the way out, then? Speak your mind out and then, apologize? Is that correct to do so? Can one always insult another person and then continue to apologize? How does this reaction occur in such a senseless manner? Is it because of persistent prodding and /or disturbance of the mind?
Violence is certainly not the answer. Bad speech is not the answer. Hateful words are not the answer. Use of hands and the tongue are a strict no-no. So what is the answer? Zero-anger and zero-hateful speech and zero reactions - are these the answers? Well, I shall try them out. I will do this also for my daughter. Nothing else remains for me to do. There are no further goals or objectives in life now except to retire and go away silently, far away from my life and far away from this bitch.
Demonic mother-in-law - games with the cellphone
This was in the 2nd fortnight of March 2009, after my father had passed away. My demonic mother-in-law came to visit for the funeral of my father, and of course, as one would expect, decided to stay on at our house. Demonic? Why would I call her demonic? Because - duh! - she is a demon. Let me explain with this incident. I am not going to stray about in this particular situation but stay on the point. After all the relatives had left our house and gone back to their respective towns, after all the rituals were completed for my father, this demon-MIL began making herself comfortable in the house. There were many other irritants and many other points of argument. But, I want to present the games she played with the cellphone. She had a few 'known' perspectives to begin with. Namely -
1. She knew very well that I got angry very easily, whenever I was stressed.
2. She knew that I would yell and should when I would get angry.
3. She had to get me into a fight with her, for her daughter, ie, my wife, to become sympathetic towards her.
4. She had to create a situation that would seem very mythical - that is - it would be hard for her daughter to believe that this demon-MIL would be so terrible.
I had not gone back to work, and was at home, getting stuff sorted out after my father's passing. It was about 20 odd days since he had passed on. The relatives had left in 12-14 days. So, this was like 5-6 days that the house was with me, my wife, daughter and the demon-MIL. My wife would go to her place of work, during 11 am to 6 pm, during when my daughter would be asleep, due to her health problems and what not. I would be working on my computer, in my room, surfing the net, or networking with my office colleagues over work that was pending at my office desk. We had a major meeting coming up, and I had to stay connected with the status of the work.
During the time of the day when my wife would not be present in the house, my demon-MIL would stay quiet and would keep napping inside my daughter's bedroom. She would rarely come out of the room, and would never come over to my side of the house, or peek into my room. It was all peaceful. Around 6.15 pm, my wife would return to the house, and would immediately change her work clothes, slip on a nightie, and get inside my daughter's bedroom, and try to take a nap on the same cot that she shared with her. This was the time when the trouble would start.
My demon-MIL would come out of the bedroom and start moving about in the house, moving about, making noises with vessels, and walking about in my side of the house and to the kitchen, like, she was all busy and all that. There was nothing to do, actually. But, she would move about. I would keep surfing the net and would not come out of my bedroom. The door was open, and she could see that I was up and about.
Suddenly, she would start talking on her cellphone, in a very pleasant, happy voice, very cheerful, and would make it very clear to me, in just the right volume, that she was talking to her daughters-in-law and her grand-daughter, back home, in the town that she came from. And once she knew that her voice had carried on to me, she would start talking in just the right volume, so that the voice did not carry to my daughter's bedroom, which had a TV with its volume switched on, and the door closed.
She would start talking to her grand-daughter, "Oh... sweetie-pie (etc etc), Yes, I love you very much. I miss you terribly. Yes. Do you miss your grand-mother? Oh, you do? I do too. Yes. I will come back, soon, there is nothing for me to do here. I have no work here. All the prayers and rituals are finished. I was planning to return in two days, but now, I have to postpone my return journey."
So, you can guess - she conveyed the crucial part - that she was going to stay for more than two days, and she would stay for an uncertainly long period of time.
I would not have bothered, but I did bother about it. I did not want her staying on in my house for an uncertainly long period of time. Why? THAT, is another post. I will write about it separately.
In immediate reaction, I would get angry and upset, and I would ask her as to why was she not getting back to where she came from. The moment that I said it, she would start heaving her chest, dramatically, would start screaming in a very high pitched voice, and would start beating her chest and would start crying about it or yelling in a manner that seemed like she was crying.
My wife and daughter would come rushing out of their bedroom, and - SLIP - we would end up in an argument and fight. My wife and me would start arguing and I would start shouting louder and louder, and finally, I was the villain, because I was shouting louder. All the three ladies would go back into the bedroom and shut it, and I would be left holding whatever was left outside - nothing, of course.
This happened 3-4 times, on alternate days. Each time my wife would return from office, and settle down in the bedroom with our daughter, suffering in her ill-health, I would be drawn into an argument with my demon-MIL, and later end up in a shouting tournament with my wife, and slowly, my demon-MIL would sneak into my daughter's bedroom and get out of the fight. My wife never understood, for after all, I was a terrible man, always getting into an argument with her wonderful and innocent mother.
I am a person who picks up on patterns very quickly, and can also spot creeping intruders at the edge of situations that perpetuate chaos. I saw the pattern - I was ending up in a non-winnable argument with my wife, in a spiteful manner, and always in an angry manner. Why did I not have the same fight or argument at 10 pm, for that matter, or at midnight, or early in the morning? Or, on the telephone? Why was I getting angry during my period of mourning for my father?
To think back to those days, I never got the opportunity to mourn for my father or cry for him. There were too many fights and arguments happening in the house for me to stay sad and mournful.
Then, I saw the second pattern - It was always after I heard my demon-MIL talking on her cellphone. My paranoid second nature brought forth the next point of doubt. How come, how was it that my demon-MIL was talking on a cellphone for such a long time, when her phone had not buzzed. Nobody had called her. She seemed to have a pre-paid number, and she was from the older generation of people who would not talk too long on the telephone if they were paying the bill. And, she did seem to be talking only to her grandchildren, who were kids, who would certainly not want to chitchat with their grand-mother at 7 pm, when they would be busier playing with their friends or doing their homework.
The third pattern - She would always talk to her grandchildren, outside the bedroom where her daughter and her other grand-daughter was present. Why did she not want her daughter and her grand-daughter to talk to the other grandchildren when they were talking to her, so very lovingly and all that? Why would she come out to talk to them, and why would she always talk to them outside my bedroom door, and then - BANG - I would end up in an argument with her, by grabbing the bait that she left? She was being very clever, I guessed.
So, two could play the game, I thought. Let her play her game and let her get trapped in it, I decided. The next day, I called out to my daughter, much earlier, before or around 6 pm, and had her sit with me on my computer, and kept pointing out stuff on my facebook profile page. Sure enough, just after my wife had returned from her workplace, and got in to settle down inside the daughter's bedroom, my demon-MIL came out and started talking to her loving grandchildren, and went on and on for 3-5 minutes, about how she would have to stay back at my house, because my daughter's birthday was coming up in two months from that date. She knew that it would get me very angry, really angry, angry enough to create a big outburst of an argument.
I had read this one out entirely within my mind, and I decided, I will play this game the way she wants. Only, I will not step away from the argument with the demon-MIL and will not shift the argument or fight to my wife. I would continue to argue with the demon-MIL and argue and argue and fight and fight and argue and argue and will not stop. But, in all this argument, I will not shift to my wife or to my daughter. That is what I had decided on that day, 19 March 2009. I know... I remember the date. That date was significant.
My daughter was sitting next to me, and I wondered... if I should do a double-check on the telephone conversation, because there was something odd about the discussion. It seemed totally one-sided, and it seemed like it was only one person talking, ie the demon-MIL. So, I told my daughter, "Watch this... and watch it properly", and I picked up my cellphone, and dialed my demon-MIL's phone number, and allowed my daughter to hear it. I was a 2000% right on the first bet. The dial-tone said, "This number is switched off." I had not told my daughter about whom I had dialed out to, and now I told her. "This number is to the cellphone number of your wonderful grandmother, who is right now talking on her telephone. See... let's dial her..."
My daughter could not believe it. The dial-tone said again, "This number is switched off." So, my guess was correct. She had kept her phone switched off, as she did, through the day, to save on the battery, because she knew one thing for certain, that nobody would call her on her cellphone. Her sons would call her on the house land-line because her younger son's private business would pick up the expenditure.
The demon-MIL did not know that we had caught on. We kept listening to her... She kept talking... about how long she was going to stay in my house, and how she desperately wanted to return... on a phone that was switched off, all the time.
My daughter wanted to call her bluff and fight with her. I told her not to. It would leave her mother disappointed or sad, and she would have to stop believing in her mother. I did not want that to happen. I am not a hero and I am not claiming to be one, but on that day, at that moment, I advised my daughter to forget it. It was just one of the many mysterious things we do in our lives, and this was one of it. My daughter listened to me, and forgot about it.
I have not forgotten about it. The aftermath... in another post.
1. She knew very well that I got angry very easily, whenever I was stressed.
2. She knew that I would yell and should when I would get angry.
3. She had to get me into a fight with her, for her daughter, ie, my wife, to become sympathetic towards her.
4. She had to create a situation that would seem very mythical - that is - it would be hard for her daughter to believe that this demon-MIL would be so terrible.
I had not gone back to work, and was at home, getting stuff sorted out after my father's passing. It was about 20 odd days since he had passed on. The relatives had left in 12-14 days. So, this was like 5-6 days that the house was with me, my wife, daughter and the demon-MIL. My wife would go to her place of work, during 11 am to 6 pm, during when my daughter would be asleep, due to her health problems and what not. I would be working on my computer, in my room, surfing the net, or networking with my office colleagues over work that was pending at my office desk. We had a major meeting coming up, and I had to stay connected with the status of the work.
During the time of the day when my wife would not be present in the house, my demon-MIL would stay quiet and would keep napping inside my daughter's bedroom. She would rarely come out of the room, and would never come over to my side of the house, or peek into my room. It was all peaceful. Around 6.15 pm, my wife would return to the house, and would immediately change her work clothes, slip on a nightie, and get inside my daughter's bedroom, and try to take a nap on the same cot that she shared with her. This was the time when the trouble would start.
My demon-MIL would come out of the bedroom and start moving about in the house, moving about, making noises with vessels, and walking about in my side of the house and to the kitchen, like, she was all busy and all that. There was nothing to do, actually. But, she would move about. I would keep surfing the net and would not come out of my bedroom. The door was open, and she could see that I was up and about.
Suddenly, she would start talking on her cellphone, in a very pleasant, happy voice, very cheerful, and would make it very clear to me, in just the right volume, that she was talking to her daughters-in-law and her grand-daughter, back home, in the town that she came from. And once she knew that her voice had carried on to me, she would start talking in just the right volume, so that the voice did not carry to my daughter's bedroom, which had a TV with its volume switched on, and the door closed.
She would start talking to her grand-daughter, "Oh... sweetie-pie (etc etc), Yes, I love you very much. I miss you terribly. Yes. Do you miss your grand-mother? Oh, you do? I do too. Yes. I will come back, soon, there is nothing for me to do here. I have no work here. All the prayers and rituals are finished. I was planning to return in two days, but now, I have to postpone my return journey."
So, you can guess - she conveyed the crucial part - that she was going to stay for more than two days, and she would stay for an uncertainly long period of time.
I would not have bothered, but I did bother about it. I did not want her staying on in my house for an uncertainly long period of time. Why? THAT, is another post. I will write about it separately.
In immediate reaction, I would get angry and upset, and I would ask her as to why was she not getting back to where she came from. The moment that I said it, she would start heaving her chest, dramatically, would start screaming in a very high pitched voice, and would start beating her chest and would start crying about it or yelling in a manner that seemed like she was crying.
My wife and daughter would come rushing out of their bedroom, and - SLIP - we would end up in an argument and fight. My wife and me would start arguing and I would start shouting louder and louder, and finally, I was the villain, because I was shouting louder. All the three ladies would go back into the bedroom and shut it, and I would be left holding whatever was left outside - nothing, of course.
This happened 3-4 times, on alternate days. Each time my wife would return from office, and settle down in the bedroom with our daughter, suffering in her ill-health, I would be drawn into an argument with my demon-MIL, and later end up in a shouting tournament with my wife, and slowly, my demon-MIL would sneak into my daughter's bedroom and get out of the fight. My wife never understood, for after all, I was a terrible man, always getting into an argument with her wonderful and innocent mother.
I am a person who picks up on patterns very quickly, and can also spot creeping intruders at the edge of situations that perpetuate chaos. I saw the pattern - I was ending up in a non-winnable argument with my wife, in a spiteful manner, and always in an angry manner. Why did I not have the same fight or argument at 10 pm, for that matter, or at midnight, or early in the morning? Or, on the telephone? Why was I getting angry during my period of mourning for my father?
To think back to those days, I never got the opportunity to mourn for my father or cry for him. There were too many fights and arguments happening in the house for me to stay sad and mournful.
Then, I saw the second pattern - It was always after I heard my demon-MIL talking on her cellphone. My paranoid second nature brought forth the next point of doubt. How come, how was it that my demon-MIL was talking on a cellphone for such a long time, when her phone had not buzzed. Nobody had called her. She seemed to have a pre-paid number, and she was from the older generation of people who would not talk too long on the telephone if they were paying the bill. And, she did seem to be talking only to her grandchildren, who were kids, who would certainly not want to chitchat with their grand-mother at 7 pm, when they would be busier playing with their friends or doing their homework.
The third pattern - She would always talk to her grandchildren, outside the bedroom where her daughter and her other grand-daughter was present. Why did she not want her daughter and her grand-daughter to talk to the other grandchildren when they were talking to her, so very lovingly and all that? Why would she come out to talk to them, and why would she always talk to them outside my bedroom door, and then - BANG - I would end up in an argument with her, by grabbing the bait that she left? She was being very clever, I guessed.
So, two could play the game, I thought. Let her play her game and let her get trapped in it, I decided. The next day, I called out to my daughter, much earlier, before or around 6 pm, and had her sit with me on my computer, and kept pointing out stuff on my facebook profile page. Sure enough, just after my wife had returned from her workplace, and got in to settle down inside the daughter's bedroom, my demon-MIL came out and started talking to her loving grandchildren, and went on and on for 3-5 minutes, about how she would have to stay back at my house, because my daughter's birthday was coming up in two months from that date. She knew that it would get me very angry, really angry, angry enough to create a big outburst of an argument.
I had read this one out entirely within my mind, and I decided, I will play this game the way she wants. Only, I will not step away from the argument with the demon-MIL and will not shift the argument or fight to my wife. I would continue to argue with the demon-MIL and argue and argue and fight and fight and argue and argue and will not stop. But, in all this argument, I will not shift to my wife or to my daughter. That is what I had decided on that day, 19 March 2009. I know... I remember the date. That date was significant.
My daughter was sitting next to me, and I wondered... if I should do a double-check on the telephone conversation, because there was something odd about the discussion. It seemed totally one-sided, and it seemed like it was only one person talking, ie the demon-MIL. So, I told my daughter, "Watch this... and watch it properly", and I picked up my cellphone, and dialed my demon-MIL's phone number, and allowed my daughter to hear it. I was a 2000% right on the first bet. The dial-tone said, "This number is switched off." I had not told my daughter about whom I had dialed out to, and now I told her. "This number is to the cellphone number of your wonderful grandmother, who is right now talking on her telephone. See... let's dial her..."
My daughter could not believe it. The dial-tone said again, "This number is switched off." So, my guess was correct. She had kept her phone switched off, as she did, through the day, to save on the battery, because she knew one thing for certain, that nobody would call her on her cellphone. Her sons would call her on the house land-line because her younger son's private business would pick up the expenditure.
The demon-MIL did not know that we had caught on. We kept listening to her... She kept talking... about how long she was going to stay in my house, and how she desperately wanted to return... on a phone that was switched off, all the time.
My daughter wanted to call her bluff and fight with her. I told her not to. It would leave her mother disappointed or sad, and she would have to stop believing in her mother. I did not want that to happen. I am not a hero and I am not claiming to be one, but on that day, at that moment, I advised my daughter to forget it. It was just one of the many mysterious things we do in our lives, and this was one of it. My daughter listened to me, and forgot about it.
I have not forgotten about it. The aftermath... in another post.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)