Diary Notes of 20-8-2012
20-8-2012, 03:12 am [Sys: 150, Dias: 103, Pulse: 74 at 03:00 am]
What should I do? I am alone in the room. Woke up suddenly from sleep. There is electricity and I am able to see everything. But, I have a feeling of panic. A sense of deep fear. I do not want to go on the journey to Mount Kailash. I do not mind the loss of money for it will only be that. Loss of money.
I can sense deep - mild throat burn, almost like acidity. I wanted to urinate but could not urinate. I am fearful that I will be alone in the journey. I will have no one to talk to. What if something happens to me? My fear is not about something happening to others, such as my daughter. I seem to be frightened of something happening to me.
Is this like a test? O Shiva? Are you showing me that I am very minuscule? That, I am not fit to come to Kailasha?
All this is the play of the mind. I have to defeat sleeplessness. I have to talk to Doctors and other experts and I have to recognise my medical problem of sleeplessness. I have to start working on taking care of my health. All the rest is a myth. Everything seems to be a burden. All tasks and responsibilities seem to be a burden. I seem to be having a steep rising feeling of panic.
20-8-2012, 03:30 am [Sys: 136, Dias: 98, Pulse: 70 at 03.30 am]
The moment I think about not going on the journey, and getting into a web of excuses, reasons and lies and half-truths, the mind seems to relax. I had a look at all the medicines that I have and I found that I do not know which medicine to take when I have such an attack. I do not have knowledge about dosage etc. I do not know the expiry date of the sorbitrate tablets.
Can Shiva help me in taking a decision? Maybe this situation was a blessing? Maybe it was supposed to let me know of my health problems. Maybe it is meant to tell me to be cautious, be careful and go for a remedy to emerge stronger? I do not know. My body had become extremely cold. Almost ice cold. I had a numbness in my left wrist for some brief moments. I am writing at this moment, purposely, without escaping into the TV, Computer or the Internet, purposefully. I want to depend entirely on myself in trying to be stronger in escaping from this situation.
Almost like a message from Shiva, at exactly 03:40 am, just now, I got an SMS, from AD Nepali, that seemed almost like telepathy, saying - "Jay Ho Prabhu, I am waiting for you." He is awake at this moment in Kathmandu. What if I go up to Nepal, visit Kathmandu and return? I would still have begun the journey and woud have returned. I do not know. All instinctive feelings are telling me not to go. Do not go on this journey. What should I do?
20-8-2012 03:52 am
Everything seems like a burden. It seems futile. I have to examine myself by knowing exactly how I am thinking. I should remember how others are suffering and fighting with their problems. I should concentrate on being able to write effectively. I should learn to practice and determinedly face my problems. I should face the terrors in my mind.
I have to learn to defeat the demons in my mind. Buddha has spoken of the demons that would come to conquer the mind. I should be ready for the next time. I should plan well in advance. I should know how to face the problem. I should know how to make sure that this problem will not come back again. What can go wrong? I should know. What to do if something goes wrong? I should know and I should be ready.
So many people will be watching me. They want me to inspire them. I should not fail them. I should be a leader by example. I should not run away from the prospects of such a situation. Is it something that I can face and defeat by myself? Should I discuss the problem with my daughter and her mother? What is the end result? How can I escape the situation? How can I conquer the situation? Is there only the internet, cable TV and the computer to be the only remedies?
I have to train the mind well in advance. Maybe extended japa, meditation during the day can be useful in tiring the mind. Remember: I did not have this problem while I was at the Vipassana course in 2005 in Chennai.
20-8-2012 04:06 am [Syst: 133, Dias: 93, Pulse: 69 - 04:05 am]
There is much better calmness in the mind now. I was reading a small book of Saibaba by Tatvadarsi Sri Ramananda Maharishi, and seem to become more peaceful within the mind. Maybe I should take some selective books that can be an excellent diversion. Maybe I should practice by writing on this pad with only the forehead torchlight.
I would have two powerful men with me during the journey. I would have a medical doctor and friend (KS) and the very strong tour guide and friend (NJ) with me. Finally, at the end of the journey, I would look back at the expedition, if successful, and be happy that I was able to win against myself. What if I am not able to do the parikrama? I would be with the others at Lake Manasarovar? Would that be so bad? It would not be a defeat.
Remember that I was alone on the journey to Kedarnath. The driver, Dhingri, was not with me in the hotel room at night. Also, at Kedarnath, in the room, I was alone. There was no one in the room. It was cold, very cold, freezing. All clothes were damp, wet and soggy. I had covered myself with a quilt. How could I have been so very careless? I did not have anything with me.
Yet, on the journey, Shiva protected me. He took care of me. He came personally on the journey and protected me. Should I think of that as my own very imagination? Did I imagine all the innuendo and did I build up my own story in my own mind? What if I do have a heart attack in the wilderness? What would be the problem if I die?
20-8-2012 04:22 am
When does my mind relax? Today I woke up suddenly at 02:45 am and was feeling very perturbed. I could sense my blood pressure was racing. So did I wake up because my blood pressure was running high? So did the rise in blood pressure come first? Why was my blood pressure high? what went wrong at this stage of the journey? I will take the decision to dump the plans later.
Let me examine what went wrong within myself. Between 02:45 am and 03:00 am, it was terrible. I tried walking around, and tried to calm down. The feeling of acidity struck me only at 03:00 am. But, the intervening period of 02:45 am to 03:05 am was very bad. It was extremely dangerous. It was almost suicidal. It may seem to be like an attack deep within the brain or the mind. There was no sense of sleep. I was fully awake. It was not like struggled wakefulness. There was no sleep at all.
I remember 2-3 events, as equally worse. One was the first night at O:Japan, in the snow, in the cold, all alone in the hostel room. It was wretched. There was light in the room, the TV was on. I could not do anything. My cellphone was working. The A/C unit was working. But the feeling was entirely that of panic. I tried sleeping 2-3 times, but it did not work. On waking up, it seemed all fine and ok. I got up in a normal way and got ready in a normal manner.
It was a relief that YK was with me during that trip. He was like a God to me on that trip. Because of him, I could change the room and stay at the CInn, though we stayed in different rooms, next to each other. The comfort was great due to him.
20-8-2012
Time - Sys - Dias - Pulse
03.00 am - 150-103-74
04:35 am - 131-92-68
05:10 am - 124-87-67 (RH), 132-91-68 (LH) 132-93-68 (RH)
05.30 am - 123-87-68 (RH)
05.40 am - 123-88-66 (LH)
05.43 am - 127-90-66
06.00 am - 131-91-64 (RH), 122-89-65 (LH), 130-93-64 (RH)
07.00 am - 129-90-63
07.30 am - 122-90-63
20-8-2012, 05:50 am
Feeling of hunger. What should I eat? Is Coffee a good way out? Will a cup of hot black coffee help the mind relax? Any cold drink? Cola? Any coke would be ok? Will it not create heart burn? Need to take Alerid-D and Azithromycin with me on the trip. Need strong antibiotics. What was the name of the anti-histamine that gave me good sleep? Also should get Vicks lozenges and Vicks something - very strong.
The mind is relaxed now. I had gone to sleep at 05:45 am but woke up in 5 minutes without any trace of sleep. I was fully awake when I woke up for the second time. This is the first time that I have woken up for the 2nd time during a panic attack. I am reminded of Yamunotri. Felt sleepy just now while sitting and writing this page. The handwriting has changed. I am feeling tired and sleepy. What was it that made me sleepless at 02:30 am, I wonder.
07:45 am - So, is there a hidden message in this situation?
09:00 am - 145-97-71
10:00 am - Metpure 12.5 + Prayers
10:30 am - 128-88-77
06:35 pm - 131-90-75
10:00 pm - ATEN 25 - 1 tablet
11:00 pm - 142-91-74 - Packing luggage and moving about
11:30 pm - 1 glass warm masala milk
20-8-2012, 03:12 am [Sys: 150, Dias: 103, Pulse: 74 at 03:00 am]
What should I do? I am alone in the room. Woke up suddenly from sleep. There is electricity and I am able to see everything. But, I have a feeling of panic. A sense of deep fear. I do not want to go on the journey to Mount Kailash. I do not mind the loss of money for it will only be that. Loss of money.
I can sense deep - mild throat burn, almost like acidity. I wanted to urinate but could not urinate. I am fearful that I will be alone in the journey. I will have no one to talk to. What if something happens to me? My fear is not about something happening to others, such as my daughter. I seem to be frightened of something happening to me.
Is this like a test? O Shiva? Are you showing me that I am very minuscule? That, I am not fit to come to Kailasha?
All this is the play of the mind. I have to defeat sleeplessness. I have to talk to Doctors and other experts and I have to recognise my medical problem of sleeplessness. I have to start working on taking care of my health. All the rest is a myth. Everything seems to be a burden. All tasks and responsibilities seem to be a burden. I seem to be having a steep rising feeling of panic.
20-8-2012, 03:30 am [Sys: 136, Dias: 98, Pulse: 70 at 03.30 am]
The moment I think about not going on the journey, and getting into a web of excuses, reasons and lies and half-truths, the mind seems to relax. I had a look at all the medicines that I have and I found that I do not know which medicine to take when I have such an attack. I do not have knowledge about dosage etc. I do not know the expiry date of the sorbitrate tablets.
Can Shiva help me in taking a decision? Maybe this situation was a blessing? Maybe it was supposed to let me know of my health problems. Maybe it is meant to tell me to be cautious, be careful and go for a remedy to emerge stronger? I do not know. My body had become extremely cold. Almost ice cold. I had a numbness in my left wrist for some brief moments. I am writing at this moment, purposely, without escaping into the TV, Computer or the Internet, purposefully. I want to depend entirely on myself in trying to be stronger in escaping from this situation.
Almost like a message from Shiva, at exactly 03:40 am, just now, I got an SMS, from AD Nepali, that seemed almost like telepathy, saying - "Jay Ho Prabhu, I am waiting for you." He is awake at this moment in Kathmandu. What if I go up to Nepal, visit Kathmandu and return? I would still have begun the journey and woud have returned. I do not know. All instinctive feelings are telling me not to go. Do not go on this journey. What should I do?
20-8-2012 03:52 am
Everything seems like a burden. It seems futile. I have to examine myself by knowing exactly how I am thinking. I should remember how others are suffering and fighting with their problems. I should concentrate on being able to write effectively. I should learn to practice and determinedly face my problems. I should face the terrors in my mind.
I have to learn to defeat the demons in my mind. Buddha has spoken of the demons that would come to conquer the mind. I should be ready for the next time. I should plan well in advance. I should know how to face the problem. I should know how to make sure that this problem will not come back again. What can go wrong? I should know. What to do if something goes wrong? I should know and I should be ready.
So many people will be watching me. They want me to inspire them. I should not fail them. I should be a leader by example. I should not run away from the prospects of such a situation. Is it something that I can face and defeat by myself? Should I discuss the problem with my daughter and her mother? What is the end result? How can I escape the situation? How can I conquer the situation? Is there only the internet, cable TV and the computer to be the only remedies?
I have to train the mind well in advance. Maybe extended japa, meditation during the day can be useful in tiring the mind. Remember: I did not have this problem while I was at the Vipassana course in 2005 in Chennai.
20-8-2012 04:06 am [Syst: 133, Dias: 93, Pulse: 69 - 04:05 am]
There is much better calmness in the mind now. I was reading a small book of Saibaba by Tatvadarsi Sri Ramananda Maharishi, and seem to become more peaceful within the mind. Maybe I should take some selective books that can be an excellent diversion. Maybe I should practice by writing on this pad with only the forehead torchlight.
I would have two powerful men with me during the journey. I would have a medical doctor and friend (KS) and the very strong tour guide and friend (NJ) with me. Finally, at the end of the journey, I would look back at the expedition, if successful, and be happy that I was able to win against myself. What if I am not able to do the parikrama? I would be with the others at Lake Manasarovar? Would that be so bad? It would not be a defeat.
Remember that I was alone on the journey to Kedarnath. The driver, Dhingri, was not with me in the hotel room at night. Also, at Kedarnath, in the room, I was alone. There was no one in the room. It was cold, very cold, freezing. All clothes were damp, wet and soggy. I had covered myself with a quilt. How could I have been so very careless? I did not have anything with me.
Yet, on the journey, Shiva protected me. He took care of me. He came personally on the journey and protected me. Should I think of that as my own very imagination? Did I imagine all the innuendo and did I build up my own story in my own mind? What if I do have a heart attack in the wilderness? What would be the problem if I die?
20-8-2012 04:22 am
When does my mind relax? Today I woke up suddenly at 02:45 am and was feeling very perturbed. I could sense my blood pressure was racing. So did I wake up because my blood pressure was running high? So did the rise in blood pressure come first? Why was my blood pressure high? what went wrong at this stage of the journey? I will take the decision to dump the plans later.
Let me examine what went wrong within myself. Between 02:45 am and 03:00 am, it was terrible. I tried walking around, and tried to calm down. The feeling of acidity struck me only at 03:00 am. But, the intervening period of 02:45 am to 03:05 am was very bad. It was extremely dangerous. It was almost suicidal. It may seem to be like an attack deep within the brain or the mind. There was no sense of sleep. I was fully awake. It was not like struggled wakefulness. There was no sleep at all.
I remember 2-3 events, as equally worse. One was the first night at O:Japan, in the snow, in the cold, all alone in the hostel room. It was wretched. There was light in the room, the TV was on. I could not do anything. My cellphone was working. The A/C unit was working. But the feeling was entirely that of panic. I tried sleeping 2-3 times, but it did not work. On waking up, it seemed all fine and ok. I got up in a normal way and got ready in a normal manner.
It was a relief that YK was with me during that trip. He was like a God to me on that trip. Because of him, I could change the room and stay at the CInn, though we stayed in different rooms, next to each other. The comfort was great due to him.
20-8-2012
Time - Sys - Dias - Pulse
03.00 am - 150-103-74
04:35 am - 131-92-68
05:10 am - 124-87-67 (RH), 132-91-68 (LH) 132-93-68 (RH)
05.30 am - 123-87-68 (RH)
05.40 am - 123-88-66 (LH)
05.43 am - 127-90-66
06.00 am - 131-91-64 (RH), 122-89-65 (LH), 130-93-64 (RH)
07.00 am - 129-90-63
07.30 am - 122-90-63
20-8-2012, 05:50 am
Feeling of hunger. What should I eat? Is Coffee a good way out? Will a cup of hot black coffee help the mind relax? Any cold drink? Cola? Any coke would be ok? Will it not create heart burn? Need to take Alerid-D and Azithromycin with me on the trip. Need strong antibiotics. What was the name of the anti-histamine that gave me good sleep? Also should get Vicks lozenges and Vicks something - very strong.
The mind is relaxed now. I had gone to sleep at 05:45 am but woke up in 5 minutes without any trace of sleep. I was fully awake when I woke up for the second time. This is the first time that I have woken up for the 2nd time during a panic attack. I am reminded of Yamunotri. Felt sleepy just now while sitting and writing this page. The handwriting has changed. I am feeling tired and sleepy. What was it that made me sleepless at 02:30 am, I wonder.
07:45 am - So, is there a hidden message in this situation?
09:00 am - 145-97-71
10:00 am - Metpure 12.5 + Prayers
10:30 am - 128-88-77
06:35 pm - 131-90-75
10:00 pm - ATEN 25 - 1 tablet
11:00 pm - 142-91-74 - Packing luggage and moving about
11:30 pm - 1 glass warm masala milk
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