I had a bad outbreak of anger within myself. I did not get so much as angry with my daughter and her mother, but seemed to be unable to control myself. This was in relation to the mess about the lunch today at the house, that I have written about in the other blog post.
I kept thinking to myself, "careful. be careful. you are getting angry. you are about to burst out into anger. Do not get angry. Be careful." and, I could hear myself say this to myself, very clearly and outrightly. I listened to myself. I just said some crisp statements in a moderate voice, criticising the food and the selection and its cold nature and came back to my room. I did not voice any anger.
The mother and daughter were back in their room, quiet, with the door closed as usual. Silent and without any movement. I kept cleaning up my room, and did some back breaking work. Suddenly, the daughter came in, with a bowl of ready-made noodles, just plain noodles, hot. She seemed to have made it herself to pacify me. I was saddened that she had the good sense to feel remorse and to undertake a cooking activity in order to give me some hot food.
Her mother was nowhere to be seen. She seemed to be inside the closed room, without any reactions. I was more upset, for my daughter to make some pacifying food, like giving alms to a beggar, by making his measly bowl of noodles, when there was quite a bit of easy to cook and ready food that was much much more better. There was pasta and pasta, vegetables, mushrooms, sauces and more stuff like that, which she usually cooked, past midnight, when she would be hungry. And yet, when it was just post-noon, and she thought that I would be pacified, she had to go and take the easy way out. I was very upset by the action.
I spoke angrily and the answer that I got from the mother was that "I am reheating some cooked food for myself." I asked her, "Why not eat the food that you have given to me and your daughter?" She did not reply. Kept stonily frosty.
Later, when my daughter brought the noodles, I got badly irritated. I should not have got angry, but I did. I could not control myself. I hit myself, strongly, with the palm of my hand to my forehead, 8-10 times, with a lot of pain. And later, in an impulse, I fisted the door with my knuckles of the right hand. I should remember that my bone density is not that good and I should not have done so. But I did. It was painful.
Later, in an impulse, I told my daughter that she should be careful of her mother, for it was common knowledge that her mother had committed 3-4 illegal criminal actions that would be harmful to me. My daughter refused to believe me, stubbornly. So, I asked, "What if I show you proof? Documentary proof that I have about your mother's criminal activities, and what if I also show you proof, documentary proof from your mother's own document collections?" She kept quiet, and alternately, kept saying that there is no such criminal action on part of her mother. Later, unable to control herself, she burst into tears and started crying.
Unlike in the past, I did not feel any remorse, and that was surprising. I did not feel pity, and did not feel sorry for my daughter's tears. I almost felt that they were inspired tears, and she was putting on an act. So, I asked her bluntly, "why are you crying? Why do you not want to see the proof? Are you crying because I have proof? Do not bluff me with your tears." Within a minute or so, she stopped crying and went back to hide in their room, with the shut door.
I am puzzled and exasperated by my inability to control my anger and despair. It is obvious that my most vigorous bout of anger comes when I am hungry, or the food is not palatable and is not tasty or is recycled, cold and unpleasant. I get an instinct to want to correct the situation. But would not any normal man or woman get angry at such a situation?
The problem comes from the fact that these situations are thrown at me, and my daughter's mother just walks away into her room, and distances herself away from it. I get angry at that moment.
I kept thinking to myself, "careful. be careful. you are getting angry. you are about to burst out into anger. Do not get angry. Be careful." and, I could hear myself say this to myself, very clearly and outrightly. I listened to myself. I just said some crisp statements in a moderate voice, criticising the food and the selection and its cold nature and came back to my room. I did not voice any anger.
The mother and daughter were back in their room, quiet, with the door closed as usual. Silent and without any movement. I kept cleaning up my room, and did some back breaking work. Suddenly, the daughter came in, with a bowl of ready-made noodles, just plain noodles, hot. She seemed to have made it herself to pacify me. I was saddened that she had the good sense to feel remorse and to undertake a cooking activity in order to give me some hot food.
Her mother was nowhere to be seen. She seemed to be inside the closed room, without any reactions. I was more upset, for my daughter to make some pacifying food, like giving alms to a beggar, by making his measly bowl of noodles, when there was quite a bit of easy to cook and ready food that was much much more better. There was pasta and pasta, vegetables, mushrooms, sauces and more stuff like that, which she usually cooked, past midnight, when she would be hungry. And yet, when it was just post-noon, and she thought that I would be pacified, she had to go and take the easy way out. I was very upset by the action.
I spoke angrily and the answer that I got from the mother was that "I am reheating some cooked food for myself." I asked her, "Why not eat the food that you have given to me and your daughter?" She did not reply. Kept stonily frosty.
Later, when my daughter brought the noodles, I got badly irritated. I should not have got angry, but I did. I could not control myself. I hit myself, strongly, with the palm of my hand to my forehead, 8-10 times, with a lot of pain. And later, in an impulse, I fisted the door with my knuckles of the right hand. I should remember that my bone density is not that good and I should not have done so. But I did. It was painful.
Later, in an impulse, I told my daughter that she should be careful of her mother, for it was common knowledge that her mother had committed 3-4 illegal criminal actions that would be harmful to me. My daughter refused to believe me, stubbornly. So, I asked, "What if I show you proof? Documentary proof that I have about your mother's criminal activities, and what if I also show you proof, documentary proof from your mother's own document collections?" She kept quiet, and alternately, kept saying that there is no such criminal action on part of her mother. Later, unable to control herself, she burst into tears and started crying.
Unlike in the past, I did not feel any remorse, and that was surprising. I did not feel pity, and did not feel sorry for my daughter's tears. I almost felt that they were inspired tears, and she was putting on an act. So, I asked her bluntly, "why are you crying? Why do you not want to see the proof? Are you crying because I have proof? Do not bluff me with your tears." Within a minute or so, she stopped crying and went back to hide in their room, with the shut door.
I am puzzled and exasperated by my inability to control my anger and despair. It is obvious that my most vigorous bout of anger comes when I am hungry, or the food is not palatable and is not tasty or is recycled, cold and unpleasant. I get an instinct to want to correct the situation. But would not any normal man or woman get angry at such a situation?
The problem comes from the fact that these situations are thrown at me, and my daughter's mother just walks away into her room, and distances herself away from it. I get angry at that moment.
No comments:
Post a Comment